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Last week, the galaxies came to a standstill, buses and trains came to a halt, Reshammiya choked and Rajnikanth's heart skipped a beat.
All because a slap was heard.
Ace Roy-terse correspondent, Purr-knob, after much coaxing, has finally agreed to share the inside report on what had actually transpired between the two gentle-most cricketers of our time, Freesanth and Bhaaji. Here it is, in his own words:

So, I was wearing my Hay-banned glasses (the ones from my prince-mega-tonne days) and watching the match. The match which I would use to light my see-gar (the one gifted by Fidel Castro, of course). I kept watching it, trying to figure out how it works. Someone helped me out by breathing fire. Literally. Freesanth took the see-gar and just breathed on to it. And then it lit up. I always knew that the guy had a lot of fire. He was on his way to the ground for start of play.

When the match started (the cricket match, dumbheads!), I could see him staring, growling and bowling. In that order. Legend has it that Freesanth can make your ancestors turn in their graves just by talking to you. But I tell you, he is much more than that. He can make steel melt just by looking. It's no wonder then, that the opposition would feel a little high and dry, with him around.

Now to the question as to what had actually happened after the match. I caught up with Freesanth after the incident. To help me light another see-gar of course! Asked him about the slap-stick incident too. Now, Free said it was just another case of his elder brother coming up to him after the match and giving him feedback and hugs and sweet nothings and so on. Bhaaji, his "big brother" had been "watching him" and told him that he was disappointed at Freesanth's unidirectional lexical outbursts. That Freesanth needed more variety in his vocab and more expressions on his face. Free was touched. Figuratively, not literally. But then Bhaaji allegedly also said that Free reminded him of Die-monds, that old friend of his. Bhaaji's words as if slapped his conscience and he broke down. This, mind you, is extremely sensitive information and not to be disclosed to anyone. It's so sensitive that I have wetted the hanky gifted to me lady Die-ana with my tears, as i am preparing this report.

Later on. I caught up with Bhaaji after the incident and here's the transcript of the interview:

Purr-knob: What did actually happen Bhaaji?

Bhajji: (Eyes wide open, bends forward, lands a tight slap on Purr-knob) Don't you know what happened? I was just talking to my younger brother. We both just got a tad too emotional. Free was always the touchy-type. Didn't you see Bharat cry in the Ram-Bharat milaap scene?

Purr-knob: (purring) Oh yes.

Bhaaji: Why do you guys make somethings out of nothings? Why target peaceful people like us?

Purr-knob: (rubbing his cheeks) You know, you reminded me of a young Mohammad Ali when I interviewed him just after his first world championship win. He punched me just as hard. But of course the blow was nothing compared to what Ravi Shankar gave me with his sitar after his first Woodstock when I complimented him on his uncanny proficiency with that longish, odd-looking guitar as I had knowledgeably termed that. But even you are quite good with your paw.

Bhaaji: (picks up his cricket bat)

Purr-knob: (jumps out of the window, runs and shouts) Paw-Bhaaji! Paw-Bhaaji!

P.S. Another piece of exclusive news from Purr-knob's secret files of the Bhaaji case down under where Bhaaji was accused of making racist comments to a certain And-rue Die-monds:
During the hearing by the appeals commission, a monkey was paraded in front of the panel. Everyone exclaimed "Die-monds" seeing him. The judge saw the point and Bhaaji was set free.

More on that later.

I know what GOD did many summers back

He had a bad headache and started playing with his coins. He wanted to transfer this head-splitting feeling to something tangible and biased the coins to result in pseudo-random outcomes which followed the simple rule:
Tails if Heads expected/wanted and vice-versa.
He plotted the outcomes, and did some N-dimentional curve fitting and noticed with surprise that his headache was getting better. I mean, his head was getting better as the ache was subsiding. The N-dimentional close-ended crap that resulted in was called Life. The acronym was expanded as Look! It's a Foolish Experiment because thats precisely what he exclaimed after he had a close look at what he had created.

The N-dimentional graph was the space-time variation of GOD's headache. This contraption called Life is the perfect example of a vicious circle. Chasing what you dont have and getting what you dont want. Inside this cycle, in nested loops, Life has only power-cuts, traffic-jam and bird droppings on offer.

All those times when you wondered whether you were living someone else's nightmares, you were actually very close to the reality. We all are living someone else's headache.

But it's a great learning experience. You finally learn that nothing matters. And that everything is a hoax. So, you go through your entire life just to find out that it is inconsequential.
And just think about it, in the end, it kills you.

RGV ki AAG bujhti hi nahi!

It seems RGV is re-remaking SHOLAY, by remaking RGV ki AAG. Big B this time has decided to stay away from the potential scary movie! This recent report reminded me of the sublime experience of being among the distinguished few who had the good fortune of watching that poetry-in-loose-motion kind of a movie. Here's what my thoughts were on that ocassion. Worth a re-visit:

RGV ki AAG: Must Watch

Don’t go by what the critics are saying. They are the same people who wrote Sholay off on its release 32 years back

Don’t go by box-office reports. After all, when have good movies had a good run?

Ram Gopal Varma has weaved magic in celluloid with his latest offering.

RGV ki AAG is a statement on state-of-the-art direction, performances and the nuances of filmmaking. Only this time, the mastery is so deliberately subtle that it might fool the ordinary viewer into believing that he is watching a C-grade (actually, a don’t see grade) film. Ramu, a self-proclaimed Sholay fan, has paid tribute to his favourite movie in a style that we might call the “reverse illumination technique”. This esoteric method is based on this old jungle saying: we know what day is only because we know what night is.

Put beside Sholay, RGV ki AAG looks so charmingly stale, that it only accentuates the original’s impact. That’s where RGV, the Sholay fan succeeds. Ramu stays clear from the easy temptation to cast the actors in roles that may have conventionally suited them. Leading the pack is Nisha Kothari as Basanti, who is as convincing and believable as Rajnikant would be as a physics professor. The other actors too, have delivered controlled performances as perfectly lifeless caricatures lest we start liking them and forget the original cast. Big B’s Babban Singh is more of Agneepath’s Vijay Dinanath Chauhan than anything else. Even he was meticulous with his performance by way of making it too loud and theatrical to look convincing. After all, could he have risked undermining Amjad Gabbar Khan’s impact?

Structurally, the story is the same. Only the backdrop has shifted to Mumbai. There are only a few inconsequential changes in the characterization. AAG is about a Ganglord versus two hitmen. Or to put it mildly, RGV versus your intense desire to like the movie.

Ramu has taken painstaking care to make the movie technically as shoddy as possible. The cartoon-like close combat scenes, the nauseatingly alternating pan-zoom of the camera and the color filters all add to the aesthetic appeal of this masterpiece. Musically, it’s sheer sound pollution. The editing is as smooth as a knife through concrete. The dialogues make even the TLV Prasad - Mithun potboilers look like art-house cinema in comparison. Undeniably, Mohanlal, in his heavily accented tone, saying “Lauha Geram hey” takes the cake.

All of these fall perfectly in the right places for a pattern to emerge out for an observant viewer.

Unmistakably, AAG is Ramu's clever tribute to India’s most successful movie ever, in the way that he showed that Sholay cannot be remade, that how bad Sholay could have been but didn't be and that how silly all the comparison is. He succeeded in getting a sizable number of people to leave the hall by interval. This observant correspondent believes that they marched off to the nearest outlet to buy Sholay VCDs or DVDs.

Moreover, hopefully there will be a sequel to AAG with Nisha Kothari in a triple role and all other actors “plutoed” to mere blink-and-you-miss roles. Let’s keep our fingers firmly crossed for RGV ki AAGAMI. After all, every silver lining has a dark cloud.

Of rabbit holes and pills

It's strange what the feeling of having a choice can do to people. As long as life goes on, pulling you through a tunnel with only the other end visible, it's all fine. But once you start getting aware of the alternate routes, it complicates life; at least your thinking.
It's like taking the blue pill everyday (not sildenafil citrate, silly!) but still being aware that the red pill exists. It's out there for anyone who would dare taking it.

The uncharted territory has a romanticism of its own.
Risks too.
That's what makes the prospect even more interesting.

Morpheus, are you listening?

A few teasers

1. There is a hypothetical creature X. The probability that X splits into two offsprings is p and that it dies without producing any offspring is 1-p. What is the probability that the family tree of X will go on forever?

2. If the sum of a set of positive integers is 2000. What can be the maximum possible product of the constituent integers?

3. A and B decide to meet up in front of city centre on 25^th April. They decide that each should arrive between 5PM and 6PM and whoever arrives first, will wait for 15 minutes for the other to turn up. If the other doesn’t turn up within those 15 minutes, he will leave. What is the probability that they successfully meet each other?

4. There are 124 prisoners. The jailor one day tells all of them, that he has a room which has a light bulb connected to a switch. The bulb is initially off and the room is not visible from any of the cells. He also said that next day onwards, the prisoners will be put in solitary confinement cells and there will be no communication of any sort possible between them. The jailor will each day, pick one prisoner at random and send him to that room with the bulb. He has the option of switching it on/off if he wishes. He also has the option of confirming to the jailor whether all 124 prisoners have been there in the room at least once. If he is correct, all of them would be set free. In case he is wrong with his assertion, all would be shot. The prisoners are then allowed to have a meeting to decide on a strategy before they are sent to the solitary confinement cells. What can be a strategy that the prisoners can decide on, which would guarantee their freedom?

5. There are three identical boxes with two coins in each. One has two gold coins, another has two silver coins and the third one has one gold and a silver coin. You pick one box at random and without peeping in, take a coin out. It turns out to be a gold coin. What is the probability that the other coin in the same box will also be a gold coin?

Frequently Unasked Questions

Why Now?

Never had the drive for anything but was bored beyond boredom in the last two days of forced break from work. Not that i don't get bored at work either.

Why the dark look?

No deep rooted philosophy. It's easier on the eyes. Saves power too!

Why should people read this blog?

When did i say they should anyway?

-3, -2, -1, Here we go!

This was more of a Scott Adams-ian realisation.
These days, it seems, any idiot with a computer and an internet connection is writing blogs.

So, here I am. Doing the same.